Longings Frustrated and Fulfilled

laydeebruin @ 2009-12-09T09:32:00

2009-12-09T14:32:36Z

one of the first informed and intelligent conversations i've heard on behalf of a celebrity and their continued commitment to humanitarianism:
http://www.cnn.com/2009/WORLD/europe/12/08/shakira.bankruptcy/index.html

Testifying & Thankfulness

2009-11-24T21:17:49Z

An excerpt from Tim Keller's study guide: "Paul's letter to the Galatians," p.11 --

The 'Doctrine' of Workmanship
One of the glories of Christianity is the assurance that "we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good workss, which God prepared in advance for us to do" (Ephesians 2:10). This statement by Paul that we are "created" does not simply refer to our physical formation, as God has, of course, created all human beings (see Genesis1:26-27). Rather, Paul is talking about being "created in Christ." It means that every person who believes in Christ does so because she or he is the object of a process of God's "spiritual creation." The word workmanship is very important; it is the Greek word poema from which we get our word "poem." It means that every believer is essentially a work of art -- God's art!

Consider how artists work, whether they are writers, musicians, painters, sculptors, etc. They labor long and hard and with the utmost care and detailed attention. Sometimes they do very little, only a stroke here or there. Other times they make massive changes. But always they seek to bring the raw material into line with an artistic vision.

Thus Paul is telling us that God labors over all believers throughout our entire lives, intervening and guiding and shaping us to bring us into line with a vision he has for us. This mentioned also in Ephesians 2:10 -- "created to ... good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." Thus, God has a particular set of good works for us to do, for which he prepares us our whole lives.

***
Understanding this more deeply informs the depth of my thankfulness to God for who He is and what He is doing, the drastic and the subtle. It helps my heart because I haven't been very thankful lately. Praise God for the things that I don't see because I know in His perfect timing that He will accomplish these things according to His good and perfect will.

figures

2009-11-20T14:52:19Z

Today, everything is grey and the world is tasteless.
I have no desire today. Instead, I have gafm.
A spillover from yesterday, a feeling of suffocation.

Like how I used to "run away" from home for periods of time (hours, to hide in the nearby park)
to confront aspects of the outside world that my flesh is willing to deal with
and to passively engage with everything else by means of existing.

you are not mine. you are not mine. you are NOT mine.

these days

2009-11-16T04:12:40Z

i am filled with a peace and a freedom that i haven't had in awhile.
it allows me to take things as they come, to do things in the fullness of what they should be.
i can open my hand and receive things that are new, glimmers of inspiration.
to enjoy each season for what it should be -- a challenge, a joy.
let this be true of my heart and my mind when i am in the valley.

The pathway is broken
And the signs are unclear
And I dont know the reason why you brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I will go through the valley
If You want me to

Now I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise
You're not through with me yet
So if all of these trials bring me closer to You
I will go through the fire
If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my own
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'll never go alone

So when the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the valley
If You want me to

Because I don't want to forget.

2009-11-13T16:36:12Z

MOON, Phillip Fong

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Phillip Fong Moon Passed away suddenly on April 25, 2008 at age 59 in Honolulu, HI. Phil was preceded in death by father, Ned Moon. Survived by wife, Margaret; daughters, Kirsten and Erin; stepdaughters, Mahana and Kili; mother, Lew King; younger siblings and their spouses, Vincent (Pearl), Judson (Kristy), Anson (Priscilla), and Rozane (Roger Gee); and his nephews and nieces. Born and raised in San Francisco, he attended public schools in Chinatown and North Beach. He concurrently attended Nam Kue Chinese School and spent time at Cameron House. Phil graduated from UCLA in 1972 in economics and political science, and USF, School of Law in 1975. Phil moved to Hawaii where he practiced law the past 30 years. Most recently, he was with the Office of the Vice Chancellor for Research and Graduate Education, University of Hawaii Manoa and on special projects at the John A. Burns School of Medicine. However, Phil's passion was his daughters, Kirsten and Erin, who he jointly raised with their mother, Karen. He loved them dearly and was proud of each one. Phil enjoyed many outdoor activities, especially golf. Regardless the sport, he gave it his all. Win or lose, he enjoyed the challenge and competition. He was a loving husband and father, a devoted son, a caring brother, and a terrific uncle. Phil was a "people" person whose hearty laughter and warmness touched many. He will be missed. A memorial service will be held at the Thurston Chapel, Punahou, Honolulu, HI. Family and friends are invited to celebrate Phil's life on Saturday, May 10, 2008, 2:00 pm at Ashley & McMullen (6th Ave. and Geary Blvd.), San Francisco.

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2008/05/07/MNMOONPHIL14.DTL

laydeebruin @ 2009-11-06T13:03:00

2009-11-06T18:19:48Z

how possible is it to love without trusting? i guess it depends on the context and the type of love.

sometimes, i just want to tell people that i love them without worrying about the repercussions.
and just letting it be 'cause it is what it is, and i don't want anything particularly more.
is that ironic? contradictory? it wouldn't be if i explained it.

lesson: ownership

2009-10-27T03:57:29Z

it means
not being weaksauce and a wimp but sticking it through when it is worth it, even if you don't feel like it is.

it means
not having a transitional or temporary mindset even if you'll only be here for that long.

it means
offering yourself up, wholly and fully, to be transparent, to change, to be willing.

it means
i'm nauseous and i want to throw up.

Love, come and cover over a multitude of things.

2009-10-21T02:01:26Z

I am far from perfect.

When I'm angry, I shut down. I tend not to speak, but the words that do come from my mouth are carefully chosen, and packed with punch. Things fester within, and I find ultimatums to be attractive because they produce lines, division, space, clarity, for me to be me. In this time, I cannot be moved, I need to soak in my thoughts and feelings and understand what they mean and what I'm going through. I cannot respond to you in this time, or in your timing because I can't catch up until I know what I'm dealing with. Efforts to move me, to make me do something or feel something I don't will be futile. But you can help me, you can be my friend, you can walk me through it, you can just be there, and that's pretty much what I need.
When I'm burdened, there will be a lump in my throat -- connected to the wells in my eyes, and the throbbing of my heart. This, too, will keep me from speaking. This will capture my every waking moment. It will inform how I respond to you, to how I love, and my posture to receive the words that you give me. My strength to receive what you can normally deliver to me will be compromised by my fragility at that moment. Though I may fall weak and vulnerable in that moment, I am carried by a resiliency derived from my foundation in my faith. It may take time, but I will bounce back.
When I am insecure, I am quiet and overly conscious. I know this, and I know this well. I can be even slightly comfortable in my insecurity because I know it. Despite guises I will wear, I will want to return to a place where I can be by myself, and just be. This is where, this is where I lie. I may not look at you in the eye, except occasionally, to pretend that i am not being ridiculously avoidant, but this is who I am. I create space for me to be by myself because I know what I need. It isn't always the wisest thing, nor the most transparent, but it's how I've learned to be attentive to what I need.

I know myself when I can be beautiful and when I can be a "blessing" -- don't get me wrong.
I am quite aware of some of what even I would consider to be my blind spots (good/bad).

I just felt the need for this to be open, clear, known.
Because for true love to happen, for true community, for living .. this should is necessary
and I don't want to go through life not being known for who I am,
even if it means that people will see the real me,
Imperfect as I may be.

Yeah, I'm sure of that.
I don't need to pretend.

the start of the mid-semester slump. as expected.

2009-10-19T04:01:12Z

unravel, unwind, from all that entangles.
but no, it's like they're vines that tighten their grip when you exert resistance
and, when you're not looking, thorns emerge and pierce the flesh beneath for only you to see, you to feel
they can't see it on the outside. it leaves you silent 'cause you can't, don't want to talk about it.

though tumultuous, it has been steady.
for a time of refinement like none before --
in all things i will move forward, even if it doesn't appear linear..
but true growth doesn't always happen in that fashion.
instead, there's pruning, redemption, solidification.

i am here, and i need to be..
in a place where i don't feel the need to say happy holy words
but rather, in a position where i can be free
to hear and listen, to live and respond.. sincerely
and though i may be of few words externally,
there is something greater going on under
through whispers of prayers, through a lifted thought or feeling
i am here, i am available.

maybe those vines are expectations.

it's time

2009-09-27T14:01:55Z

It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time to make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
And all I can do is surrender

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos, but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will
Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is You want from me
I give everything I surrender...
To...

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos, but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos, but now I can see
This is something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly
Something Heavenly

It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out

Working it out [with fear & trembling?]

2009-09-18T01:22:03Z

Contentment is liberation from human and societal forces that bind -- strongholds that we succumb to because our perspective becomes dim.

How things can change in just an instant, from power and work not of our own.

rationality

2009-09-17T16:50:58Z

I want to come back to this with an extraordinary force prompting oohs and ahhs, but alas, I am not a writer.. though I will write to exercise my intellectual flexibility and form. This impetus comes primarily from the teachings of my current professor, of whom commands such worthiness of respect from me. I sit in class enamored by the life advice he paints into the relationships of behavioral research methods and respective explanations of multilinear regression. Genuine passion is contagious by means of lifestyle, including time management.

thank you

2009-04-27T05:20:14Z

to the only God, who is able to keep us, able to keep us from falling..
to the only God, be all glory and honor, majesty and power.. for all ages now and forevermore.

i have missed You dearly.

raw

2009-03-27T03:46:17Z

to know love is to know pain.
to know anger is to know hurt.

i am the most selfish person on earth.

not so much with my belongings or my time,
but rather, with myself.

i do not understand what influence i have on people
i do not understand how much people love me
i do not understand what i mean to them
i do not understand how much they desire my undivided attention

i am a walking hypocrite, an inflicter of pain and distance
i am she who separates, who hurts, who builds walls
i ravage circumstances, i am destructive
and i am comfortable

do you not realize that i think about you everyday?
do you not understand that i wait for your phone call?
do you not know that my day is brightened when i hear your voice?
do you not know the honor that i feel when you ask me what i think?
do you not know that i want the best for you?

do you not know that my heart feels whole when you're with me,
that i can laugh and be silly and free when you're around,
and i know you'll be there without a doubt by my side,
that i want you always in my sight?

do you not know that i ache each time you push me away,
each time i wished you were here but you were not,
each time when you chose somewhere or someone else instead of me,
the worry and fear that plagues my heart when i don't know you're okay?

daughter . friend . sister . lover . supporter . child

growing pains,
especially when initiated on your end,
feel drenched with such rebellion and selfishness,
yet i wonder whether i have rationalized these two to become entitlements
that are not actually what they are --
yet i've done it for so long, i've become accustomed to them now
and fail to see the long trail of tears others and i have shed.
so what is this, and what is claiming your inheritance
when it seems mutually exclusive
when will they wont be mutually exclusive?

and thus reveals true feelings about my flippancy returning home
because it is elsewhere that i feel less opposition, less pressure,
less "unnecessary" obstacles to overcome and fight, that i can be me.

i dont know when or how,
and as much as i want to deny it
or compartmentalize it
my worlds are colliding
and i cannot stop them anymore.
i'm just too tired.

in my singleness, i thank God for protecting me and those that i would have likely hurt very deeply.

this has been one of the most painful weeks in my life.

<3

2009-03-22T03:52:00Z

http://www.cnn.com/2009/LIVING/03/19/cnnheroes.jorge.munoz/index.html?iref=mpstoryview

interesante

2009-03-02T19:09:40Z

http://www.cnn.com/2009/LIVING/personal/03/02/tf.unemployed.boyfriend/index.html?iref=mpstoryview

fullness

2009-02-11T01:13:30Z

I ripped the plastic sheeting off of my balcony door and forced the glass to part from the tacky sealant that I had applied months ago to keep out the draft. I know we've only started February, but I'm quite ready for spring. I'm sitting here freezing but enjoying the wind that's causing the plastic to flap like breaths being inhaled and exhaled. It reminds me of the cool breeze that enters my bedroom window at home during the sunsetting of late afternoon summer days. It makes me feel alive, like I can breathe again.

These morsels of life are so sweet to me, things that I can savor and really treasure -- not necessarily in an escapist manner, but more that of serendipitous moments where I need them. Though things are not in the least bit ideal, I know my heart can be full. I love these times when my heart can be tender even in imperfection.

Wow

2009-02-02T05:11:50Z

Time for me to step out of the water
Time for me to just loose my hold
And its time for me to leave here all that I've hoped for
Could you take me where I need to go
I am waiting for your love
I am reaching for you touch
Lost without you God reach down
I need you now, I need you now

Remembering this day last year causes me to celebrate today with thanksgiving,
for His firm grasp upon my life, for knowing me better than I know myself,
for His goodness and overwhelming love that unrelenting.

That though I may not know what's in front of me, that I can trust and believe
because He is GOOD. so, so sooo good.

the innerworkings

2009-01-20T22:29:22Z

1/17/09, peace w/ my current circumstances. yes, i guess it just takes time.

Today, I am a bit overwhelmed with everything going on. I'm kind of drowning, but I don't really have a choice now it seems.
So I'm kind of MIA from some things, but hopefully not the important ones. I guess it's called prioritizing.

In any case, today I'm decompressing by resting on a verse from Proverbs 29:18. I've been thinking about it a lot lately.
In my own life, that of others around me, believers and nonbelievers alike, and those that I can / can't share hearts w/ esp.

Where there is no vision, the people are unrestrained, But happy is he who keeps the law. (NASB)

Where there is no prophetic vision the people cast off restraint, but blessed is he who keeps the law. (ESV)

Where there is no revelation, the people cast off restraint, but blessed is he who keeps the law. (NIV)

When people do not accept divine guidance, they run wild. but he whoever obeys the law is joyful. (NLT)

I want to firmly say that Jesus is my life passion, my vision, everything that I work and strive for.. and know it deep down.
So even though everything I may encounter or all the ideas that I'm fed on a daily basis may surround me,
I hope to emerge standing on the solid rock of truth and rooted in Him, because I'm fascinated by God and no one else.

No longer is it a tension, but instead it has become a marinating time of expectation and joy.

so hear my heart's cry and my prayer for this life: "above all else, give me Yourself!"
-v.beeching

my new year begins today

2009-01-11T21:11:49Z

All I want is You to have Your way
You are the Potter and I am the clay

All I need is You to have Your way
You are Creator and I'm what You've made

Finally I surrender

You are God

I am man

You are sovereign.

the harder lessons

2009-01-08T20:41:38Z

http://www.cnn.com/2009/CRIME/01/08/BART.shooting/index.html

just following this particular story hedges upon a lot of realities that i had been presented with this break,

reminding me of a lot of things in my life that i have compartmentalized and not dealt with.. probably due to fear.

lately, i think it's because my heart is too weak. i dont want to absorb and explore the in's and out's of such ugliness.

oh, and i can see now how He wants me to see, how He wants me to mature.. a glimpse anyway.

but i've been resisting lately because i'm scared of what it will look like, of possibly what it'll mean.

and especially 'cause i've been seeing myself grow weaker against things that i used to be more bold about

because i cant separate these areas of my life any longer.

here i am

2009-01-05T03:55:22Z

i feel like a walking disaster. truthfully, i'm a mess.

and you probably can't tell 'cause you already have your assumptions about what my life has been like..

you know, the big word of "transition" and supposedly everything that it entails,

and ho-hum, it's not like i can explain it to you either 'cause i haven't the vaguest idea of what im going through,

nor do i have the internal drive to try or to dip into my psychoanalytical ways.

but even before i want to say it, admit it or discipline myself,

(that this year is the year of "surrender" / "submission" for me)

i'm just kind of breathless.. not the sweet kind.. but instead, the tired kind.

i feel about three and a half steps behind the game -- not the way i want to start off this new semester.

if you would glance for a moment beneath my attempted polished exterior,

you would see the crazy twigs and branches caught up in my knotted and tangled hair,

the soot smeared across my face covering tear-stained cheeks from 3-4 various episodes over the past 4 months,

the dried stains on my clothes from when i felt like my blood boiled and overflowed out of my chest in instances of anger,

the bandages on my insides trying to hold together the gaping holes of silence and ache,

the ugly crusted boots that i wear and seem to track a trail of mud and mess everywhere i go,

and my eyes, they feel as if they've grown colder than they've ever been, like intense black pebbles that speak nothing.

my damage control tactics are obviously insufficient.

i am not at the bottom of the valley nor am i high on the peaks of the mountaintop.

i am in between. i am where life happens. i am existing. but i'm not moving.

and that's all i want to do right now. but there's a problem with that. i know i can't stay here.

i can't. i won't. i will move eventually. but i just don't want to now.

tomorrow, or the day after, i will look again for His promises

and i will stand on them, hold tight to them, hold tight to Him.

today, i rest. but i will be still and know that He is God,

and i know that somewhere down underneath this,

oh, but overhead, above as well,

that i want to see Him exalted in all the nations.

and that's why.

2009

2009-01-02T09:09:08Z

I know there are times
your dreams turn to dust
you wonder as you cry
why it has to hurt so much
give Me all your sadness
someday you will know the reason why
wih a child-like heart
simply put your hope in Me

take My hand and walk where I lead
keep your eyes on Me alone
don't you say why were the old days better
just because you're scared of the unknown
take My hand and walk

don't live in the past
cause yesterday's gone
wishing memories would last
you're afraid to carry on
you don't know what's comin'
but you know the One who holds tomorrow
I will be your guide
take you through the night
if you keep your eyes on Me

take My hand and walk where I lead
keep your eyes on Me alone
don't you say why were the old days better
just because you're scared of the unknown
take My hand and walk where I lead
you will never be alone
faith is to be sure of what you hope for
and the evidence of things unseen
so take My hand and walk

just like a child
holding daddy's hand
don't let go of Mine
you know you can't stand on your own

whirlwind

2008-12-09T00:13:40Z

so much going on, and im not even talking about finishing out this semester to be 1/4 through of my graduate degree. that's so minor.

and it's not limited to how i feel today, the day before two memorization heavy finals, or each DR trip prep meeting that i find my eyes welling up with tears and my heart ready to explode in emotion 'cause i know my heart is gonna be broken but stretched so much.

or each world conflict or event i hear and read about to add to the state of the world.

but admittedly when it hits closer to home, esp for every loved one and their parent, receiving the news of chronic illness, expected months to live or devastating relapse..

i'm speechless. 'cause they could be my own. some of them, in a sense, have touched my life in that way before.

and not to bring it back to myself, 'cause i'm not the center of the world, but i'm trying to make sense of these things, some way, some how.

resilience: what do you mean, here? in this context? and God, what do you say about this characteristic in people?

'cause i know i have some, even if it takes me time to get back to my game. but if it's not empowered by God, it's nothing.

.. to ride on the wave of grace, to be steadfast in truth, to be experience the purity and fullness of hope.

and how can I serve, love and support my brothers and sisters that are directly affected by these happenings?

this winterbreak is going to be so different for me than other times.

stripping away the fluff, my heart just longs to love those that have loved me for so long.

to be upfront about my affection, to not be shy about the display, to not freak out ... about being vulnerable before others.

and if you know me well enough, you would know that this is huge, that this has been a long time coming (and/or overdue).

in the same way, He's taught me to be more honest about how i feel and what i think, and not feel like i have to pretend

... 'cause He can't help me if i'm not being honest.

to know that He's big enough, to know that He wants my good and my bad, my all ...

and to live like so! i can be a true child of His, and not feel like maturity = dignified conduct all the time (false).

what i've found is that real maturity is that child like faith -- knowing and walking in the in's and out's of being His.

so with that raw sincerity, that matter-of-a-factly expectation founded deeply in His promises,

i bring my desires, my shortcomings, my fears, and even my prayers for miraculous healing

because He tells me to ask, to knock, to trust.

and I believe Him.

take me homeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

2008-12-06T00:52:01Z