Wednesday, May 7, 2008

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2008/05/07/MNMOONPHIL14.DTL

sometimes, i just want to tell people that i love them without worrying about the repercussions.
and just letting it be 'cause it is what it is, and i don't want anything particularly more.
is that ironic? contradictory? it wouldn't be if i explained it.

it means
not being weaksauce and a wimp but sticking it through when it is worth it, even if you don't feel like it is.

it means
not having a transitional or temporary mindset even if you'll only be here for that long.

it means
offering yourself up, wholly and fully, to be transparent, to change, to be willing.

it means
i'm nauseous and i want to throw up.
 

I know myself when I can be beautiful and when I can be a "blessing" -- don't get me wrong.
I am quite aware of some of what even I would consider to be my blind spots (good/bad). 

I just felt the need for this to be open, clear, known.
Because for true love to happen, for true community, for living .. this should is necessary
and I don't want to go through life not being known for who I am,
even if it means that people will see the real me,
Imperfect as I may be.

Yeah, I'm sure of that.
I don't need to pretend.

unravel, unwind, from all that entangles.
but no, it's like they're vines that tighten their grip when you exert resistance
and, when you're not looking, thorns emerge and pierce the flesh beneath for only you to see, you to feel
they can't see it on the outside. it leaves you silent 'cause you can't, don't want to talk about it.

though tumultuous, it has been steady.
for a time of refinement like none before --
in all things i will move forward, even if it doesn't appear linear..
but true growth doesn't always happen in that fashion.
instead, there's pruning, redemption, solidification.

i am here, and i need to be..
in a place where i don't feel the need to say happy holy words
but rather, in a position where i can be free
to hear and listen, to live and respond.. sincerely
and though i may be of few words externally,
there is something greater going on under
through whispers of prayers, through a lifted thought or feeling
i am here, i am available.

.

.

maybe those vines are expectations.
 

to the only God, who is able to keep us, able to keep us from falling..
to the only God, be all glory and honor, majesty and power.. for all ages now and forevermore.
 

i have missed You dearly.

to know love is to know pain.
to know anger is to know hurt.

i am the most selfish person on earth.

not so much with my belongings or my time,
but rather, with myself.

i do not understand what influence i have on people
i do not understand how much people love me
i do not understand what i mean to them
i do not understand how much they desire my undivided attention

i am a walking hypocrite, an inflicter of pain and distance
i am she who separates, who hurts, who builds walls
i ravage circumstances, i am destructive
and i am comfortable

 

do you not realize that i think about you everyday?
do you not understand that i wait for your phone call?
do you not know that my day is brightened when i hear your voice?
do you not know the honor that i feel when you ask me what i think?
do you not know that i want the best for you?

do you not know that my heart feels whole when you're with me,
that i can laugh and be silly  and free when you're around,
and i know you'll be there without a doubt by my side,
that i want you always in my sight?

do you not know that i ache each time you push me away,
each time i wished you were here but you were not,
each time when you chose somewhere or someone else instead of me,
the worry and fear that plagues my heart when i don't know you're okay?

daughter . friend . sister . lover . supporter . child

growing pains,
especially when initiated on your end,
feel drenched with such rebellion and selfishness,
yet i wonder whether i have rationalized these two to become entitlements
that are not actually what they are --
yet i've done it for so long, i've become accustomed to them now
and fail to see the long trail of tears others and i have shed.
so what is this, and what is claiming your inheritance
when it seems mutually exclusive
when will they wont be mutually exclusive?

and thus reveals true feelings about my flippancy returning home
because it is elsewhere that i feel less opposition, less pressure,
less "unnecessary" obstacles to overcome and fight, that i can be me.

i dont know when or how,
and as much as i want to deny it
or compartmentalize it
my worlds are colliding
and i cannot stop them anymore.
i'm just too tired.
 

in my singleness, i thank God for protecting me and those that i would have likely hurt very deeply.

this has been one of the most painful weeks in my life.

 

That though I may not know what's in front of me, that I can trust and believe
because He is GOOD. so, so sooo good.

Today, I am a bit overwhelmed with everything going on. I'm kind of drowning, but I don't really have a choice now it seems.
So I'm kind of MIA from some things, but hopefully not the important ones. I guess it's called prioritizing.

In any case, today I'm decompressing by resting on a verse from Proverbs 29:18. I've been thinking about it a lot lately.
In my own life, that of others around me, believers and nonbelievers alike, and those that I can / can't share hearts w/ esp.

Where there is no vision, the people are unrestrained, But happy is he who keeps the law. (NASB)

Where there is no prophetic vision the people cast off restraint, but blessed is he who keeps the law. (ESV)

Where there is no revelation, the people cast off restraint, but blessed is he who keeps the law. (NIV)

When people do not accept divine guidance, they run wild. but he whoever obeys the law is joyful. (NLT)

I want to firmly say that Jesus is my life passion, my vision, everything that I work and strive for.. and know it deep down.
So even though everything I may encounter or all the ideas that I'm fed on a daily basis may surround me,
I hope to emerge standing on the solid rock of truth and rooted in Him, because I'm fascinated by God and no one else.

No longer is it a tension, but instead it has become a marinating time of expectation and joy.

so hear my heart's cry and my prayer for this life: "above all else, give me Yourself!"
-v.beeching

All I want is You to have Your way
You are the Potter and I am the clay

All I need is You to have Your way
You are Creator and I'm what You've made

Finally I surrender

You are God

I am man

You are sovereign.

 

http://www.cnn.com/2009/CRIME/01/08/BART.shooting/index.html

just following this particular story hedges upon a lot of realities that i had been presented with this break,

reminding me of a lot of things in my life that i have compartmentalized and not dealt with.. probably due to fear.

lately, i think it's because my heart is too weak. i dont want to absorb and explore the in's and out's of such ugliness.

oh, and i can see now how He wants me to see, how He wants me to mature.. a glimpse anyway.

but i've been resisting lately because i'm scared of what it will look like, of possibly what it'll mean.

and especially 'cause i've been seeing myself grow weaker against things that i used to be more bold about

because i cant separate these areas of my life any longer.

i feel like a walking disaster. truthfully, i'm a mess.

and you probably can't tell 'cause you already have your assumptions about what my life has been like..

you know, the big word of "transition" and supposedly everything that it entails,

and ho-hum, it's not like i can explain it to you either 'cause i haven't the vaguest idea of what im going through,

nor do i have the internal drive to try or to dip into my psychoanalytical ways.

but even before i want to say it, admit it or discipline myself,

(that this year is the year of "surrender" / "submission" for me)

i'm just kind of breathless.. not the sweet kind.. but instead, the tired kind.

i feel about three and a half steps behind the game -- not the way i want to start off this new semester.

if you would glance for a moment beneath my attempted polished exterior,

you would see the crazy twigs and branches caught up in my knotted and tangled hair,

the soot smeared across my face covering tear-stained cheeks from 3-4 various episodes over the past 4 months,

the dried stains on my clothes from when i felt like my blood boiled and overflowed out of my chest in instances of anger,

the bandages on my insides trying to hold together the gaping holes of silence and ache,

the ugly crusted boots that i wear and seem to track a trail of mud and mess everywhere i go,

and my eyes, they feel as if they've grown colder than they've ever been, like intense black pebbles that speak nothing.

my damage control tactics are obviously insufficient.

i am not at the bottom of the valley nor am i high on the peaks of the mountaintop.

i am in between. i am where life happens. i am existing. but i'm not moving.

and that's all i want to do right now. but there's a problem with that. i know i can't stay here.

i can't. i won't. i will move eventually. but i just don't want to now.

tomorrow, or the day after, i will look again for His promises

and i will stand on them, hold tight to them, hold tight to Him.

today, i rest. but i will be still and know that He is God,

and i know that somewhere down underneath this,

oh, but overhead, above as well,

that i want to see Him exalted in all the nations.

and that's why.

so much going on, and im not even talking about finishing out this semester to be 1/4 through of my graduate degree. that's so minor.

and it's not limited to how i feel today, the day before two memorization heavy finals, or each DR trip prep meeting that i find my eyes welling up with tears and my heart ready to explode in emotion 'cause i know my heart is gonna be broken but stretched so much.

or each world conflict or event i hear and read about to add to the state of the world.

but admittedly when it hits closer to home, esp for every loved one and their parent, receiving the news of chronic illness, expected months to live or devastating relapse..

i'm speechless. 'cause they could be my own. some of them, in a sense, have touched my life in that way before.

and not to bring it back to myself, 'cause i'm not the center of the world, but i'm trying to make sense of these things, some way, some how.

resilience: what do you mean, here? in this context? and God, what do you say about this characteristic in people?

'cause i know i have some, even if it takes me time to get back to my game. but if it's not empowered by God, it's nothing.

.. to ride on the wave of grace, to be steadfast in truth, to be experience the purity and fullness of hope.

and how can I serve, love and support my brothers and sisters that are directly affected by these happenings?

this winterbreak is going to be so different for me than other times.

stripping away the fluff, my heart just longs to love those that have loved me for so long.

to be upfront about my affection, to not be shy about the display, to not freak out ... about being vulnerable before others.

and if you know me well enough, you would know that this is huge, that this has been a long time coming (and/or overdue).

in the same way, He's taught me to be more honest about how i feel and what i think, and not feel like i have to pretend

... 'cause He can't help me if i'm not being honest.

to know that He's big enough, to know that He wants my good and my bad, my all ...

and to live like so! i can be a true child of His, and not feel like maturity = dignified conduct all the time (false).

what i've found is that real maturity is that child like faith -- knowing and walking in the in's and out's of being His.

so with that raw sincerity, that matter-of-a-factly expectation founded deeply in His promises,

i bring my desires, my shortcomings, my fears, and even my prayers for miraculous healing

because He tells me to ask, to knock, to trust.

and I believe Him.